thousand-yard stare
by buckyybarnes
Summary: october of 1981 and death are synonyms. remus and sirius, 1978-1981.


**title:** thousand-yard stare

**summary:** october of 1981 and death are synonyms.

remus and sirius, 1978-1981.

**pairing(s):** remus lupin/sirius black, background james potter/lily evans

**rating:** t

* * *

><p>during the summer of 1978, two boys are living in a flat in london. one quite tall and thin, the other a bit shorter, broader. they're all hips and knees and stubble on cheeks, and the tall one is always kind to the elderly woman in the flat across the hall. they don't leave explanations in their wake, are a bit too casual when they smile at each other. everyone knows, but nobody admits it.<p>

the tall one is called remus, and his hands sometimes shake a bit more than is normal when he walks up the stairs. he has a distinct air of being worn around the edges, and more than once the man from downstairs with the gray hair has seen him leaving on the full moon. the shorter one is sirius, and he's remus' lifeline, all messy dark hair and tattoos in hidden places.

they're never caught holding hands, and if they hug a bit longer than is usual for two friends, that's their business and not the neighbors'. remus worries a lot, sometimes about the bills, sometimes about how many cigarettes he's found stuffed into sirius's sock drawer. sirius worries about remus worrying about how many cigarettes he's found stuffed into his sock drawer.

they have an argument on june twenty-second. it's hot and sticky outside and inside, and every window in the building is open. the young woman on the first floor saw sirius stomp upstairs, face all bloodied up, a little while ago.

"i told you," remus says, "i told you not to get involved, and look what you did. sirius, this isn't a game, they can kill you, this isn't a fucking back alley-"

"well," sirius interrupts. "technically," and remus looks murderous.

"i hate you so much," he says. "i hate you so much, why are you looking at me like that?"

sirius shrugs. "you're hot when you're angry."

"keep your voice down!" remus hisses. "this is what i'm talking about, sirius! you're treating this like it's a fun game when it's not-"

"okay, okay, i'm sorry," sirius says, hitching a concerned frown onto his face. "i am, remus, i promise. i'll try not to get into any more fights."

remus glances at him warily. "you swear?"

"yes, remus, i swear," sirius says, cracking a grin before wincing and rubbing at his jaw. remus lets out a long-suffering sigh and pulls out his wand.

"where does it hurt?" he asks, one hand cupping sirius's cheek to examine him.

"um. everywhere-ish," sirius allows, looking sheepish. remus sucks in his breath and murmurs something. he feels sirius's jaw tense for a moment before he relaxes again. sirius looks up at remus from underneath his eyelashes, the smallest of smiles tipping up the corners of his mouth.

"thanks," he says. remus raises an eyebrow but says nothing.

the next day the son of the couple on the third floor spots them walking outside, hands just brushing, sirius's head thrown back in laughter.

they're quiet tenants. remus always has a smile for the single mother on the floor below them, and for the man across the hall from her. sirius has smiles for the children in the building. he makes faces at them when he passes, trying to make them laugh.

he's always been good with kids.

they're old enough to fight, now, but alastor doesn't let them officially join the order until september. remus is pretty sure that he thinks of them as kids.

they are kids, underneath it all. kids playing grownup games. he doesn't tell sirius this. he zips it into his cheeks and doesn't bring it up. the war is personal for sirius. him versus his parents, times a hundred thousand.

"imagine," sirius says one night, tv playing in the background of a chess match. "what if we went somewhere?"

remus raises an eyebrow.

"no, no, i'm serious! what if we went somewhere? california, new zealand, fucking norway. we can go anywhere the hell we want. why don't we do it?"

"sirius-"

"remus," sirius retorts, sing-song, the corner of his mouth canted.

"sirius, stop it," remus says, "stop it, don't you dare give me the eyes!"

sirius blinks, brown eyes wide and innocent. remus is laughing now.

"i hate you," he says, "you're cheating, it's not fair-"

"you love me," sirius says, triumphant, and dives over the chessboard to tackle remus.

they visit california a week later, and sirius takes enough pictures to paper their walls with.

christmas is quiet. they visit james and lily first. then peter, and remus' parents, and sirius's cousin, andromeda.

in october of 1979 they leave for two weeks. remus tells the woman down the hall that they're visiting friends near cornwall, and asks her to hold their mail for them. sirius drives. they are fitting in. james asks how they like london (sirius, of course, answers that it's brilliant, that remus' job at the ministry is brilliant, that they're fucking brilliant). remus asks how he and lily are doing.

"excited and nervous," they say in unison, wearing matching looks of bliss. they're happy, sirius is happy, remus is happy.

peter arrives the next day, and they're all a bit sad, underneath the smiles. james makes a joke about the band breaking up.

the wedding is, as they predicted, beautiful. james' father takes enough pictures to last a lifetime. years later, remus still has one. sirius, the best man, arm slung around james' shoulder, and remus thinks to himself that wars could be started over his smile.

they sleep in the same bed for the duration of their stay.

they visit again in december, asking the old woman across the hall to take care of the flat while they're gone over the christmas holidays.

james and lily greet them when they arrive, and so does the first snowfall of winter. they warm up by the fire and sirius asks how they are.

lily says, hair like fire, that she noticed it a few weeks ago. she's about three months along. both of them are radiant, and if remus smiles a little sadly, sirius does not bring it up.

"that's amazing," he says, hugging lily, "a baby," like it's the most astonishing thing he's ever heard.

remus wants to remember that look in his eyes forever.

peter is there the next day and "it's just like old times again," says james. the oldest among the five is sirius, who turned twenty in november. none of them mentions the war. there's time for things like that later, or never if they can avoid it long enough.

when they return to london they are promptly evicted. they know why; it's in the face of the landlord as he takes his key. the way the little girl on the second floor is ushered away from them, mother clucking like a hen and turning for a moment to glower at them.

remus loses his job and they go to his parents' place for a few months. nobody talks about the reasons why they were evicted. remus is quieter, more withdrawn. in contrast, sirius is more boisterous than before. remus knows that he's compensating for the silences, and he loves him for it.

in february, remus finds a job as a teacher at a primary school. they get their own place, tell the realtor that they're cousins. she believes them. they are safe here.

remus loves his students, and they love him, and back at home sirius is fidgety. he is a city lad, he says, but when remus brings up moving back to london sirius says no. they are safe here. they are happy here. remus is happy here, and that's what matters.

two months pass. james drops by on remus' twentieth birthday, asks how they're doing. sirius is made of smiles. remus smiles, too. asks about the baby. james tells them that if it's a boy they're planning on naming him harry. if it's a girl, probably harry as well. lily chose the name.

sirius is made of smiles and remus smiles, too. they are safe here. sirius is happier by the day, and the war hangs over everything like a storm cloud.

on the news, ten muggles dead. in the newspaper, twenty-three witches and wizards dead. and the war, like a storm cloud. sirius's family is dead and he doesn't care as much as he should. remus does not speak their names. when sirius wakes up at two am because of a nightmare remus holds him and does not speak their names.

their safety begins to dwindle. they almost would not notice, except for the news. peter visits them every few weeks, giving them updates. their friends are fighting for them and losing. they move back to london.

by the middle of may, three more death eaters are in azkaban. sirius sleeps a little easier. remus kisses sirius in the dead of night. this is the only time they are safe. sirius kisses him back.

summer of 1980 brings a brief break from the fighting. lily is eight months along. she has sent four death eaters to azkaban. james is infatuated.

harry james potter is born on july 31st. he looks like his father, except for his eyes. sirius is the godfather and cries when he holds harry for the first time. remus cries, too. lily and james are beautiful.

and war war war all around them, and dirt underneath their fingernails.

sirius gets a job at a bar near their flat. the numbers of members in the order slowly begin to diminish. alastor is perpetually disgruntled whenever remus and sirius attend meetings.

lily and james, with baby harry, are safe. they are happy. remus is quiet and sirius tries not to think about it. he catches him more than once standing at the window, looking out at the gray city with a strange look in his eyes.

sirius's twenty-first birthday is november fourth. lily, peter, james, and remus throw him a party. there is war playing in the background but they are happy despite it and in spite of it.

remus' transformation that month gives him a back mottled with fresh wounds. sirius holds him all the next day, silent for once.

sirius's eyes are pale gray and remus drowns in them and he's happy and sad and scared and everything all at once. neither of them minds. they sit on the sofa (right in the middle, worn and soft leather cradling them) and are happy and sad and everything all at once.

christmas is quiet. sirius buys a toy broomstick for harry (a purchase remus disapproves of) and lily sends them both a letter with a picture of him riding it attached. sirius is happy and so is remus, in a soft kind of way. peter visits them on new year's eve, looking oddly nervous. remus brushes it off as a side effect of the war and does not bring it up.

the war is full of side effects. they are not safe because they are not allowed to be. protective spells are a mandatory precaution and they are advised to cast them on the homes of their muggle neighbors as well.

the cigarette butts are another side effect and they do not talk about them, or the way sirius's mouth tastes like ash on bad days. they don't talk about a lot of things. they are two boys wearing grownup clothing. still, they are happy.

they are careful, too. it is 1981 and they are careful and peter is just a bit too on edge and lily and james are so, so beautiful and none of it lasts. remus' birthday arrives and he kisses sirius hard when he sees his gift. the coffee has not yet been brewed but they are both hungry. the coffee can wait, the gift can wait, clothes can wait, and the war, still there, hovering in the background, an unwanted party guest.

later, remus opens his gift and his smile puts the sun to shame. "a history of fantastical creatures," he reads aloud slowly. the smile is for sirius and the book and something else, maybe.

"do you like it?"

remus laughs. "it's incredible, sirius."

and he kisses him again and again and again.

there are moments of spontaneity hidden in the tense silence-sirius dragging remus to a bar for a loud evening of cheering for football teams and being normal. sirius deciding that it is a perfect day to go to the zoo and buying remus a hat that resembles a wolf (remus does laugh at this, although it takes several minutes of him glaring at sirius with his arms crossed before he does so). and so on, and so forth, and they're okay, for now.

it's dangerous, being in the order. they try not to think about it. the body count. there's no time for funerals, not when half the world's in the middle of a war. besides, the other half has enough funerals to deal with as it is. a vigil is all they can muster, sometimes. a wooden gravemarker. later, when the fighting is done, a gravestone, if enough family members are still alive.

the world pivots on potential outcomes. it's the best it can do, and it's not quite enough (but no one talks about that). summer is hot, harry's first birthday, a weekend of gut-wrenching worry when sirius is on a special mission for dumbledore. sirius is still smiling.

it startles remus sometimes, how much he loves him.

there's a certain kind of hunger in the air, in their throats. everything comes out a bit too raspy, a bit too scared.

they wake up on september 1st and sirius is disconnected from reality. he moves around the flat in a haze, grabbing at walls and furniture and sometimes remus. he's trying to find something, a picture, maybe, or a book. a memory. remus sits on the couch in the living room, hugging himself, watching sirius. just watching.

the next morning, sirius wakes up to find remus on the couch and his memory of the past day gone. remus shrugs, silent, when he asks about it. it does not come up again.

james and lily send regular letters denoting harry's growth and mannerisms. on september 20th, lily describes him as "a tiny james, except less of a prat and about ten times cuter", which makes them both laugh.

peter visits every sunday, sometimes staying for dinner, giving them updates. _something big, something big, something big, _hovering in the background of every conversation.

_something big is coming soon. _

they're more careful than usual. their doors and windows are locked all the time. extra protection spells are added every morning and every night. they stay inside as much as possible.

october of 1981 and death are synonyms.

remus wakes up alone on november 1st. the newspaper headlines inform him of the deaths. one, two, and three, nothing but a finger, and sirius is nowhere to be found. and sirius is found. and sirius is guilty.

remus wakes up alone.

the world has been saved by a baby, and remus' friends are dead, and so on.

after a while, he starts to believe the newspapers.

he wakes up alone for twelve years.


End file.
